There are subtle ways in which we demonstrate awareness of the constructive versus destructive mindset, whether we are aware of what we are doing or not. Examples arise by saying we use when we are actively engaged in conversation and delve into potential conflicts. This edition of Dr. Sinn’s Bin explores some of those sayings.
“It is what it is.” This is currently a popular saying, one that is being communicated on clothing, such as hats, t-shirts, etc. The constructive mindset draws attention to the issue at hand, as opposed to making the person involved in the issue be the issue. For example, the issue may be “the branch of that tree broke, fell on the parked car, and damaged the car,” as opposed to “why did you park the car under that tree? What were you thinking?” “It is what it is” refers to the fact that the car is damaged and needs attention, and is an attempt to bring the situation into a constructive way of proceeding.
“Just sayin’.” This is another popular saying in current usage. It can be seen as an attempt to draw attention away from the person giving the news or interpretation to what the issue is, that is on the table for discussion. For example: “I want you to know that you are driving too fast. Just sayin’!” This statement can be seen as an attempt to draw attention to the fast driving rather than suggesting that the person driving is a bad driver or that the person commenting on the driver knows better. If the attention becomes on the person, then destructive dynamics can occur, but if the attention gets focussed on the concern about the reality of the current driving situation, then that can be dealt with constructively. For example, the person responding constructively to the warning about fast driving could say: “Thanks, I didn’t realize how fast I was going.”
“No problem.” Because we are aware that people can take things personally, which is consistent with a person forming the destructive mindset, it can be difficult and challenging to mention something that can lead to emotions in another person as they become aware of a problem (potato). It becomes necessary at times for the person hearing “the bad news” to attempt to give assurance that the situation is not being responded to within a destructive mindset. For example, if a person comes late to an appointment, they may fear being thought of as a potato, and so it may be difficult to “own up” to being late. In this case, responding with “no problem” is an attempt to make it be about the situation and decide that there is no further management necessary. Just a warning: be careful that your “no problem” is sincere and within the constructive mindset. It is possible to say “no problem” within the destructive mindset, in which you are suppressing your anger inside and building up resentment, which could eventually surface in a way that is beyond your control.
Perhaps you can think of other sayings we use, that are an attempt to bring relationships into the constructive mindset. I am certain that more will come over time as well.