You may often hear people making references to “thinking constructively,” or of “the constructive mindset.” Certainly the understanding of and the benefits of applying the constructive mindset is the mission of Edmonton Emoti-Games Ltd and what this website is all about.
So how can we arrive at some kind of definition of the constructive mindset? And how do we distinguish the constructive mindset from the destructive mindset? In order to achieve a workable definition, we must establish an awareness that as humans, we are relational, social creatures. It means that everything we experience subjectively is in the context of relationship.
One of our abilities is to focus attention. For example, we may focus attention visually; at other times our focus may be auditory. There are other senses we may use to focus attention, but our brains are well developed with respect to sight and sound. We will experience a primary relationship, which is the main focus of our attention, and then we will be in relationship with other subjective experiences secondarily and in the context of the primary relationship. For example, when you watch a movie, you are primarily engaged with the characters visually, which may include their dialogue, but there is also supporting music and other sound effects that add to the experience in a secondary manner.
Our brain’s limbic system is also highly developed, and includes a subjective experience of emotion, as well as learning, memory, and executive function. In order to make rational decisions, it is found that we require cognitive and emotional capacity. It means that we also experience our emotions subjectively in relation to the world around us. I like to call our emotions the “potato detectors.” As eyes detect light and ears detect sound, emotions detect mores (which I call potatoes).
Consider the following You Tube presentation of a Nissan commercial. The man is in primary relationship with his mores as represented by the honking sound when applicable. The honking sound is like his potato detector going off to warn him, and we notice that he heeds the warning. If his primary relationship were otherwise, then he may have proceeded with what he was doing, ignoring the warning. We will leave any possible consequences to our imaginations.
A definition of the constructive mindset must include the relational dimension. The quest is about knowing the difference between people and potatoes. Another way of saying this is to know the difference between a person, which includes his/her unique character as well as emotions, and the situation at hand. We will be in primary relationship with either the person or the situation, and in relationship with the other in the context of what is primary. Therefore, as a definition, the constructive mindset occurs when a person relates to another person in the context of the situation (primary relationship with the situation). In contrast, the destructive mindset occurs when a person relates to a situation in the context of the person (primary relationship with the person).
Since we are so highly dominated by our visual sensory system, it is very easy to be in primary relationship with what we see. Since we do not see mores, or for that matter, potatoes as representations or our mores, it can become a norm to form the destructive mindset. Therefore, when our limbic system alerts us that there is a potato, we can find it natural to relate with the situation in the context of the person who we clearly see. We end up blaming the person, whether we blame ourselves or blame someone else for the problem. We may think or say: “Why did you do that? You make me so mad! Now what am I going to do?” Notice the sense of blame with its resulting divisiveness of relationship, and the restrictions the destructive mindset puts on finding a solution to the problem.
But if we train ourselves to use the emotional component of our limbic system to have primary awareness of the potatoes we cannot see with our visual system, that is, if we learn to “see” potatoes, then we can learn to form and apply the constructive mindset. We can relate with the person in the context of the problem or situation. We may think or say: “I am angry about what you did. It affects me, it affects you, and it affects us both. It is unacceptable and something has to be done about it. We are in this together and we can resolve this.” Notice the engaging aspect of the constructive mindset and the resulting ability to be creative in finding solutions to problems. We use our emotions as part of our entire being, becoming free and able to believe in ourselves, nurture healthy relationships, and therefore to live life to the full.